© accioloki
posted 1 hour ago | via | © | 36968

fstw:

cybergirlfriend:

i hate that im sensitive and jealous and stupid and quiet and ugly and annoying 

That sucks cause I’m perfect and none of these but good luck with that

posted 1 hour ago | via | © | 1024242

chevy-raised-jack-daniels-fed:

merrymaudlin:

mercurykiss:

thugburrito:

My faith in pizza guys has gone up 123%

NO LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
So a few weeks ago I was in a hotel in Savannah with my grampa in the hospital next door, Mom was over staying with him, and the battery in the smoke detector went out so every 5 minutes it would let off this loud, high pitched ‘CHIRP’.

It was annoying as fuck, so I called the front desk to see if they had a battery for it, and they said the only thing they could do was change rooms. We’d already settled in for the night, and needed the next door rooms for my uncles the next day, so I said I’d deal. My uncles had my car in the next town over, so I couldn’t drive and get one myself.

An hour later, I’m ordering pizza and have gone insane because the damn thing CHIRPS. SO. MUCH.

So I begged the pizza guy on the phone to stop and get me a battery, told him I’d pay for the battery, and give him an extra tip for it, and he was chill with it. This adorable fucker gets to my room with the battery, opens it, asks to see the smoke detector, CLIMBS ON THE BED, CHANGES THE BATTERY FOR ME, and tests it.

My pizza was only 20 dollars, but I gave him 40 and told him to keep the change.

I am clearly not fully utilizing my pizza delivery person…..

What’s next pizza delivery hitmen

posted 1 hour ago | via | | 433355

piragon:

When someone expects me to blindly stride into a childish trap and, electrocute myself.

image

posted 1 hour ago | via | © | 74050
posted 1 hour ago | via | © | 5858

hazz-matt:

I love shakesphere

posted 1 hour ago | via | © | 187573

artichokehold:

those jerks at culinary school always called me a weanie but look at me now

posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 283659

wolves-whales-and-waves:

sizvideos:

Watch it in Video - Follow our Tumblr

That is so cute.
You just see him like:
"Alright human…I know you’re in here…I can smell ya.."
"AH HA!!!!! I GOTCHA"

posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 5847

compassionatedragon:

agentsex:

feferiden:

gingerhaze:

image

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This is the realest shit

I used to have this exact fantasy

Actually I sometimes still have this exact fantasy (well, if you replace “homework” with “adult responsibilities”)

posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 66460

mylifeasqueenb:

I laugh every time

posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 480750
nice friend person: hey, how've you been?
me: capitalism is crushing me. i am barely surviving. i am full of toxic resentment. i want revenge.
posted 2 hours ago | via | | 41160
posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 20407

The Fear of Loneliness

storyboss:

His favorite color was blue. Her favorite color was red. His favorite color was red.

posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 171

callmeoutis:

i was ready to just scroll past like “haha grammar humor” but then it was weird al and i,

posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 91730
    One day I just woke up and realized that I can’t touch yesterday. So why the heck was I letting it touch me?
— Steve Maraboli  (via terrible)
posted 2 hours ago | via | © | 167930